I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize