He had one of those small greek statue penises
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
