why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize