I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
