i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
