I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize