he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
