A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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