The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
