Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
