Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
