i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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