I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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