I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
