Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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