I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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