i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
