I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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