She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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