if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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