I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Dear god my vagina.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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