Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
