Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
