Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
