Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
