u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
