Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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