I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
