I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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