Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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