Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
