You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
