My sheets look like a crime scene.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize