Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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