During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
