btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
