is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
