my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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