we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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