so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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