The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
