He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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