My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
