you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
