So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize