I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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