My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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