he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
