The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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