Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
