I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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