I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
