there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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