Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
