Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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