we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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