Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
