Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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