it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize