They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
