The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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