He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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